List #34: Because I’m super-coordinated

I’m accustomed to tripping on Georgetown’s uneven brick sidewalks. It’s an everyday occurrence. But in the past week I’ve had a few less-than-graceful moments. I’d like to share them with you now, because I think Pri will take comfort in the fact that I’ve been just as spastic as ever. And I don’t have anything to do at work right now. And sharing these embarrassing moments with the world will make me at peace with them.

1. Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. This was a pretty dramatic trip-on-the-sidewalk moment. I lunged forward, narrowly regaining balance so that I didn’t fall to the ground. Tried not to calculate how many people witnessed my display of coordination.
2.  The first snow of the winter! To celebrate, I slipped and fell on a snow-coated hill, screaming the entire way down until I crashed into a tree. Nearly took a friend down with me. He displayed greater agility.
3. While trying to open a window, managed to jam my fist on my closet door, cutting my thumb open.
4. Walked into a printer that was on the second-shelf of a friend’s desk, jabbing my eye with the paper tray. No black eye, but it was sore for a couple of days.
5. I woke up the other day with multiple bruises on my legs. I don’t even know what happened, but I assume it was the result of a conglomeration of moments similar to the ones listed above. It shouldn’t surprise me- my knees are perpetually bruised from walking into pieces of furniture.

This trainwreck is returning to California in a few days. Be there to witness it. Just don’t get too close- I have sharp elbows and a general lack of awareness of my surroundings.

List #33: ?!?!?!

Exciting news: Today is my blog’s first birthday! This calls for Funfetti cake! Well, not to be a party pooper, but here’s the deal:

I don’t have time to address everything that annoys me about the healthcare bill that was passed in the House yesterday. Instead I’ll just pick on Representative Jim Cooper, a Tennessee Democrat.

The New York Times quoted Cooper: “This bill will get better in the Senate. If we kill it here, it won’t have a chance to get better.”

When my younger sister was a freshman in high school, she used to ask me to edit her papers for her. I like to think I did a great job editing those papers. In fact, I did such a great job that one day she asked me to edit a half-hearted, unfinished paper because she knew I would clean it up for her.

I told her, “No, I won’t edit it. Don’t give me any papers you wouldn’t be willing to give to your teacher without my help.” Why? Because I needed to know she was giving her best effort before I was willing to give mine. She needed to take personal responsibility for her work.

The House of Representatives should not send this bill to the Senate if they wouldn’t be proud to present it to Obama as it is. That’s lazy and lacks personal responsibility. The House should want a better image than that of the Senate’s irresponsible, impulsive younger sibling. There’s nothing “courageous” about that. Risky, sure, but not courageous. 

I realize it is politically infeasible for a Representative to only support bills that he or she believes are perfect as-is. Maybe if the bipartisanship Obama promised actually existed, we would see a more concentrated effort on the part of the House to clean up their own act.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go count to ten and take some deep breaths. Maybe later I’ll stop picking on individual representatives and actually compile a list of reasons to hate the healthcare bill.

Or maybe the Senate will vote it down and such a list will be rendered irrelevant. I like that idea.

List #32: Anecdotes

This blog could also be titled ”Stories you’ll feel obligated to laugh politely at when I repeat them over Christmas break.”

1. Earlier this week in history class, I discovered my final has been scheduled for December 21. My nonrefundable ticket home is for December 18. 
2. After hearing our final is on the last possible day of finals, the kid next to me turned to me and groaned, “Don’t you wish you had just gone to a community college?” I did go to a community college. How awkward for him.
3. Even more awkward is that his comment only makes sense you think community colleges don’t have finals. I think there are some misconceptions at work here.
4. In a related story, which is not mine but I’ll share it regardless and without permission, a friend of mine was recently asked, “Where did you transfer from?” She answered “Community college in the San Francisco Bay Area.” The woman responded, “Well, I’m not familiar with where Community is, but I’m sure it’s a great school.”
5. On Halloween, ran into a kid in the hallway dressed as Fidel Castro. Found out we transferred from schools an hour away from each other. Exchanged a high-five. Not awkward.
6. Ran into the same kid a couple hours later at a party, no longer wearing his Fidel Castro beard or cigar. Didn’t recognize him without the fake beard. He recognized me, though. Awkward.
7. I went with the whole “sailor” theme for Halloween, which ended up just being a striped polo, jean shorts, Sperry’s, and a sailor hat. There were other sailors at the party, wearing the same hat as I did… but also wearing stilettos, thigh-highs, and dress-like articles of clothing that were too short to really qualify as a “dress.” I’m bringing matronly back.
8. Bonded with a girl dressed as a “woodland fairy” because I complimented her Coach bag. At least, I think she said “woodland fairy”- it sounded more like “wurdlun firry.” Some of us party harder than others.
9. I’ve developed an annoying habit of declaring “It’s freeeeziiing!!” and dramatically zipping up my jacket every time I step outside. It’s about 55 degrees. I don’t think that’s really considered cold here.
10. I may or may not have written a portion of this in class.

List #31: Halloween

Reasons I do not want to dress up for Halloween:

1. I turned 13 approximately 7 years ago.
2. Halloween doesn’t even involve mass candy consumption anymore. And I don’t exactly need a holiday to give me a reason to ingest exorbitant levels of sugar.
3. Halloween for college students just translates into “overrated theme party,” and I have an aversion to theme parties.
4. Halloween costumes for girls are an occupation (sailor, flight attendant, maid) preceded by the word ‘cute,’ ’sexy,’ or ‘naughty.’
5. I, on the other hand, wanted to dress up as Chris Hansen from “To Catch a Predator” and hold IM transcripts, but nobody would agree to be the decoy.
6. I then considered dressing up as a reptile, carrying a Cheerios box with a knife stuck in it, and calling myself a “cold-blooded cereal killer,” but that would require too much explanation to drunk strangers.
7. Another idea involved two people in cheerleading uniforms, with an “H” and an “N” on their respective shirts, holding foam “We’re #1″ fingers. “H1N1- We’re #1! Undefeated since 2009.” You aren’t the only one who didn’t laugh appreciatively at that idea.
8. What if I went missing on Halloween? The police would be on the search for a young woman last seen wearing (insert costume here). “Police have located the body of a young woman dressed as a naughty flight attendant…”
9. That last one was kind of morbid. I apologize. I grew up watching Cops.
10. Maybe I can just wear my glasses and say I’m dressed up as Tina Fey.

I wouldn’t be able to take myself seriously if I said to someone, “What do you think of my (cute/sexy/naughty) (bumblebee/referee/nurse) costume?”

In other words, leave your costume suggestions in the comments section.

Update: The costume issue has been resolved. “I’m on a boat” is the theme I’m going for, which unfortunately is generic/overdone/outdated and has the possibility of being misinterpreted as “cute sailor.” However, it does mean I get to wear a nautical themed pashmina afghan and a cool yacht-captain hat (and Sperry’s are in the works), so it evens itself out.

List #30: Eating Healthy

Nutrition is an important aspect of everybody’s life, but it becomes especially vital while away at college. With nobody to make sure you are eating well, it is up to you to take personal responsibility for your nutritional choices. I will now outline my own eating habits for a typical weekday, so that you may have a paradigm of healthy eating habits.

Breakfast:

1. Bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar
2. Approximately 11 bite-size tater tots
3. Small croissant

Lunch:

1. Tall mocha frappucino with whipped cream
2. Blueberry scone

Dinner:

1. Small hamburger
2. French fries
3. Coca-Cola or Mr. Pibb
4. Chocolate ice cream cone*
5. Other**

*Please feel free to choose any flavor of ice cream. Remember, this is your chance to make healthy choices!

**You may fulfill the “Other” category with a salad or piece of fruit. Please do not feel obligated to eat this- it is purely decorative. 

You may have noticed that the following things are lacking in this diet:

1. Vitamins
2. Minerals
3. Things that are not carbohydrates
4. Things Mom would approve of

To compensate for this, make sure you do one of the following upon returning to your dorm:

1. Drink a sip of Vitamin Water
2. Eat a “Halls Defense” cough drop containing 100% DV of Vitamin C
3. Eat that expensive fruit you bought at the Trader Joe’s a mile away. (This strategy is called “avoiding scurvy.”)

And for those late study nights, be sure your room is stocked with the following healthy essentials:

1. Microwave popcorn
2. Sour Patch watermelons
3. Chocolate Teddy Grahams*

*or any other snack with nutrition facts specifically for children under the age of 4.

It is very important that your meal is as beige as possible. And remember, if you don’t have a food baby after every meal, you’re not doing it right!

List #29: East Coast

Things I was warned about regarding the East Coast:

1. “East Coast fashion is way different than West Coast fashion.” True. I thought my high school was preppy, but Georgetown has since redefined “prep” in a way I never imagined was possible. Girls wear dresses or high-waisted skirts to class, looking like they just wrapped up a J. Crew photo shoot. I’ve seen numerous guys wearing pastel colors, whether it’s a pink polo shirt or pastel-colored shorts. And just about everyone wears Sperry Topsiders. Bottom line: I look out of place in my jeans, t-shirt and flip-flops.
2. “East Coast guys wear shorts with lobster designs on them.” True. Actually, I only saw this once. But as soon as I did, I immediately texted my sister “OMG! FIRST LOBSTER SHORTS SIGHTING!”
3. “East Coast people call San Francisco ‘Frisco’.” True. Actually, I only heard this once. But it was from the guy wearing lobster-print shorts, so I count it as double-true.
4. “The East Coast has a lot of disgusting bugs.” True. I had never heard of cicadas before I came to Georgetown. They stay in the trees and make really loud buzzing noises. I saw one fly out from a tree- it was the size of a golf ball and flew clumsily into a parked car, making a “CLUNK” noise that haunts my dreams. Additionally, I have approximately 8 mosquito bites at the moment.
5. “You better watch out for those East Coast boys.” Uh… I’m not even going to discuss this one. It’s just creepy.

As you may have guessed, I am having a great time people-watching here.

List #28: Let the 3-Day Freakout Begin

Things I’ve done during the past two weeks instead of packing for school:

1. Watched home videos with my mom (1995 was a great year in the Ridgway household).
2. Went to Starbucks with Kelly… every day.
3. Repeatedly tripped over the piles of stuff in my room, taking a hair straightener and a pile of books down with me on one occasion. So graceful.
4. Got warned on two occasions to “watch out for those east coast boys.” On one of those occasions, the 70-year-old man who issued the warning followed it up with a creepy wink and a pat on the back.
5. Googled “How to pack for dorm” (yeah, I’m not ashamed). Glanced over results and got bored before clicking any of them. Went on Facebook instead.
6. Wrote this blog.

See you this weekend, Georgetown.

List #27: Alex Jones

1. My summer Spanish class is fin and my student job is over. That’s what has consumed my time in the month since I last blogged, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t have anything to write about during that time. Maybe it’s not too late to write about Sotomayor (anyone else laugh when newscasters switched from pronouncing it “SOW-tow-may-er” to “Sow-tow-my-OR” with a little bit of a rolled “r” at the end? Maybe they were taking summer Spanish classes too). But I digress.
2. I had the pleasure of being in the same room as Alex Jones for a few hours yesterday at my best friend’s pool party. For those of you who have never had the opportunity to meet Alex Jones (and yes, I always say both his first and last name), it would be impossible for me to shall we say “capture his personality” in writing. Everything he says is funny. Perhaps it’s the way he thought Geoff’s name was pronounced “Jee-hoff” instead of “Jeff,” and he called him Jee-hoff for a full hour. Or perhaps it’s the way he asks everybody he talks to, “Have you seen Kristen Ridgway’s blog? She writes lists about stuff like about Michael Jackson and crazy ladies with doves” (he then imitates the picture of the woman freeing doves in List #26).
3.  So when the card Alex gave to Katie played the “Hamster Dance” and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since, I didn’t mind that much. And when he asked when I was going to update my blog and I told him jokingly that maybe I would just make a list about him, I wasn’t actually joking. Here you go, Alex. Don’t be creeped that I stole your profile pictures to put into this blog.

List #26: Did You Hear Michael Jackson Died?

I’m only making this list because Pam Manley, Lauren and Pri all asked me to update my blog.

1. Michael Jackson died. If you didn’t already know that, you obviously do not have a Facebook, an iTunes account, a television, or an internet connection. Which means you are not reading this.
2. When his death was announced, I came to the startling realization that I am Facebook friends with dozens of Michael Jackson fans. Who knew?
3. Sure, I sing along when ”Billie Jean” comes on the radio, and “Will You Be There” is a favorite (I’m a big “Free Willy” fan). I just assumed (mistakenly, I guess) that the general consensus was “The Thriller dance is cool but Michael Jackson is creepy and weird.”
4. It’s not like I hated the guy, but I didn’t exactly rally outside the courtroom releasing 14 white doves when he was acquitted of those child molestation charges.
5. That’s why I was surprised to see “RIP MJ” statuses all over my news feed.
6. I wonder if Farrah Fawcett’s family was like “You’ve got to be kidding me” when the news was announced.
7. That had to suck for them.
8. This list is so pointless… I should get back to my Spanish homework.
9. P.S. My plan to boost my blog stats rallied a grand total of approximately 4 views. What a failed scheme.

List #25: Boosting My Blog Stats

Looks like I’m not the only one on WordPress getting “accidental teenybopper traffic” (I’m using Sara’s phrase) with every mention of the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus. Check it:

1. List #8: This is not about the Jonas Brothers was getting views from Sara’s entry entitled Oh no Jo-Bros!
2. So I read Sara’s blog, laughed out loud, and told her I had the same experience.
3. Now the race is on.
4. Plus, we’ll get a ton more views due to all the circular linking we’ve just done. Ha.
5. Alright, Sara, you said Britney Spears…
6. I’ll go with Octo-Mom. And also Octo Mom, and Octomom because sometimes people Google without the hyphen. You know what, let’s go ahead and add Nadya Suleman, because some people actually know her name.
7. As a blog stat boosting bonus, scroll down for a random picture of Jon Gosselin (or should I say “Jonathon Gosselin, Father”), who has been all over the “news” lately.
8. With this winning strategy, Sara and I will both increase our daily view count by approximately 900 billion (I may have mixed that up with the federal bailout package…). Unfortunately, nobody will stay long enough to read our actual writing.
9. That’s beside the point.